Growing up

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm at the computer cleaning up iPhoto when I hear the boy stir and starts to cry. I head over to the bed to feed him. I then start to cry.

...

For the past couple of nights, my heart has been weighed down by thoughts of the kids growing up, and me missing how they are now. My heart starts to ache when I realize that these moments right now are fleeting and before I know it, they'll be adults, living their lives as they should.

It may seem strange to some people, how much it saddens me to see them grow up. A part of me wants to hold on to their childhood. I know growing up is part of life, but that part of me refuses to accept it. I wish there was a way to freeze time. Freeze moments in their life so that I could revisit them when they're all grown up. I find myself feeling melancholic and knowing that I'll miss the way the boy smells when he's sleeping next to me, the way the girl asks her thousands of questions, the way they play together.

I remember when Iliya was younger, how I wish she would grow up faster, so we could do things together. I couldn't wait for her to be bigger. These days, I find myself wishing the exact opposite. I am thankful however that the boy seems to be growing at a much slower pace. I seem to be experiencing more with him, than I ever remembered with Iliya. With Iliya, she seemed to grow up at blazing speed, and before I knew it, she's this smart, inquisitive, willful 4 year old.

I have no sane explanation for this odd behavior of mine. I hate thinking about the future, and the subject of death almost always brings tears to my eyes. I dread the day when my loved ones pass on. Even as I am typing this I have tears streaming down my face. Why am I such a mess?

I wonder if anyone out there feels the way I do. Or am I the odd one out? Either way, all I can do is pray to god to grant me the strength to accept such inevitability and not be so damn emotional about it. I pray that I can embrace their growing up instead of dreading it. I pray that I live everyday to its fullest and not miss out on their lives so that I won't regret it in the future.

You know you're a mommy when

You're willing to stick your finger up your baby's bottom to dig out poop because she's constipated and she's crying non-stop because she can't pass motion.

And your hand ends up smelling like poop the rest of the day despite washing it several times with soap.

Pirate

She stole some ice cream from her auntie and claimed it as her own. When she finally came to me, she was super messy. I just had to post these photos.

The bug, Now with video!

I told you I'd update you on the bug, didn't I?

The bug has been screaming a lot lately. She'll scream when she doesn't get her way. She'll scream when she's mad. She just loves screaming. It's very annoying. I don't know how to fix it. So today, I just covered her mouth with my hand.  Then she started crying. Anyone has any ideas?

Another thing she likes to do is pull Afiq's hair. That's another thing I don't know how to fix. She knows that Afiq cries when she does it, so now, everytime afiq annoys her, her hand will immediately go for his hair. Afiq will then start to cry. That boy is a bit of a pansy so he cries when things are not in his favor.

Although, sometimes Afiq is asking to have his hair pulled because he loves provoking the bug. He'll intentionally take something from her when he's told not to. I still don't think it's right that May loves pulling his hair and I'm looking for ways and answers to fix this problem. I have told her several times to stop doing it and have stopped her just in time but I want her to stop doing it completely.

Oh, and yesterday, he bopped Afiq on the head with a metal object. Not hard though. But enough to cause the grandparents to go into a flurry. They were clearing out some stuff from the storeroom and the littlest ones were outside with them. They must have been looking elsewhere for a moment when the bug managed to secure herself something from the toolbox and proceeded to do some damage to Afiq. It wasn't hard I guess cause Afiq didn't cry or anything. It was only AFTER the grandparents made noise did he start to whimper. I quickly took the girl to the kitchen to give her a talkdown. Upon hearing me scold Iliya, my MIL stepped in and told me it wasn't her fault cause she didn't know what she was doing.

I have a feeling she does though.

I don't know what the bug has against Afiq. A lot I guess. He is really naughty and doesn't listen to you and will do all sorts of monkey stuff. He loves provoking the girl and will always want something that she has, whether its hers, his or someone else's. It really doesn't matter.

In less destructive news, the bug has been saying a slew of new words.

I miss you (I mih you), Octopus (Oh-pu-pus) Drum (Dum), Breast pad (Beh-pad/Eh-pad), Dog (Dog dog/wow wow), Giraffe (ruff), Turun (uyun), Dukung (Ukong), Off, Handphone, Mana, Ada, Please (peas), Thank you (Ten you (with a vigorous nod of the head)), Nite nite, nasi, doll, cheese (when she's holding a camera), Ten Long (Lantern in mandarin), Panda bear, sheep, owl.

As usual, I'm limited my how much I remember.

Have I ever talked about her teeth? No? I've been meaning to. The bug's teeth are rotting. The two front teeth. I have no idea why but they are. Initially, I though it was because of the sweets she gets but I stopped giving her sweets totally and stopped all the sweet drinks but her teeth didn't stop rotting. So I stopped not giving her sweets. I did however start brushing her teeth two times a day and made sure she got her teeth brushed even though she didn't want to. And on most days, she doesn't want to.

I think, the rotting has slowed down. It saddens me that her teeth aren't perfect but a friend said that a dentist told her that it's widespread among kids these days and he doesn't know what's the root of the problem.

My friend thinks its the water. Another friend thinks its the lack of calcium. I don't know what to think. I've been eating more cheese these days so hopefully, the bug gets extra calcium. It makes me feel slightly better, knowing that the bug isn't the only one with this problem. This means it isn't because I'm a bad mother, right? I hope so. Poor bug. *sigh*

I could cry thinking about it. On some days, I obsess over her teeth. The rest of the teeth seem alright though. So I really don't know what to do.

Her eating is still here and there. Somedays she eats a lot, somedays she doesn't eat at all. I don't know what to do. She's kind of flighty with food. She might love one thing today but will not eat it the next. It's a lot of guessing and hoping and coaxing. She does love bananas though. She'll eat it in any form. I also recently found out she loves oysters. Not the big ones you eat raw, but the tiny ones you eat in omelet's. O-chien, it's called. I love oysters too. My dad says the bug's appetite is a lot like mine. I guess it is. But I don't like eating raw bread dough, or sugar paste.

She has been referring to herself as baby. She'll pat her tummy and say, baby. It's cute. She also calls herself May May. I call her May May. I also call her Iliya, ILIYA MAY MOHD AZNIN!, brownie and ee-ya.

She also has been saying, "nak adik". Hmm.. I can't quite help with that, yet. Not yet. A little later maybe. (I thought I might be pregnant this month cause my period was 5 days late, but then it came.)

She does this cute thing with her lower lips whenever we say, "Iliya, listen to me." I don't know where she picked it up from but I'll try to record it when she does it again.

Okay. I think that's enough Iliya news for today. I'll leave you with 2 clips of Iliya the cute.

Priorities gone wrong

I really should be asleep. But as you can plainly see, I'm not. Not that I don't want to sleep, I do. But I also want to do other things as well. Things I can't do during the day. i.e. Craft.

During the day, I have to fight with the bug for time. She's a time hog. She takes up all my time leaving me with little to non. And when I do try to craft, she'll want to 'help' too. I could do with less help from her, really.

So what is a girl to do? Craft at night! When little people are asleep. I have a couple of swaps to complete. All due end of this month.

Why I picked up a new hobby I will never know. Not that I have any free time on my hands. This new hobby is quite addictive though. I just love getting mail. Getting stuff in mail is even better. I was trying to figure out whether this new hobby is expensive and I've come to the conclusion that it isn't. It's basically a hobby where everyone just buys more stuff. Because when you buy stuff to send to people, you get the same type of stuff back. So, you're getting your money back, in a form of something different. If you're not careful however, you'll end up with a whole lot more stuff than when you started!

Does anyone other than me know what I'm rambling on about? No? Do yourself a favor and click that link above then.

I also have a really busy day tomorrow. I have a lunch meeting with a client to discuss her wedding cake and let her taste the cake I chose for her. I have to bake cream puffs and burger buns and cupcakes as well. And still I choose to craft. This would be the perfect time for my mother to say, "you've got to set your priorities right!".

Mommy dearest isn't here, however. Therefore I'm spared of the lecture. I do feel that my decision to NOT sleep is going to bite me in the derrière. I'm not that worried though. I'm more the live in the moment kind of person.

My table is awfully messy from all this crafting. I took some photos to show you the current state of it. It's pretty, but messy.



And lastly, I'll leave you with a photo of why I hate and love polymer clay.

Nicely baked cow. So cute!Burnt cow from over baking

A letter to the bug

Dear bug,

I'm glad you are thriving well from the milk that you are getting from me. In fact, the milk is responsible for the first 5 months of your growth. It has prevented you from falling ill and has ensured that you receive adequate nutrition.

I would also like to think that the milk is responsible for you sprouting teeth so early when all your other cousins had theirs much later. You are also starting to crawl and will probably perfect it in a couple of weeks.

Since I have provided you with the nutrition you need to grow up strong and healthy, I feel that it wouldn't be too much for me to ask one thing from you.

Could you please NOT bite my nipple when you drink? It is painful and causes me much stress. Mothers are told not to shout so as to not startle the baby so I try my best to muffle my pain. So if you could, I would appreciate it if you stop treating them as your chew toy from now on.

Haven't you heard of the saying, "Do not bite the boob that feeds you."

Love,
Mummy.

6 months post op

Has it been that long since I was cut open? Guess it has.

The bug has sprouted 2 bottom teeth. I'd post a picture but I don't have a good one, yet. She sprouted teeth when she turned 6 months. give or take a couple of days. Guess she wanted to mark turning 1/2 a year with a memorable event.

She has also started crawling. I guess you could say it's exciting times here in the Aznin household. She hasn't quite perfected her crawling skills and is currently somewhere between commando-crawling + lunging forward while on all fours. She now sits unassited but she can't get into the sitting position.

What else? She's starting to outgrow some of her clothes and I think it's about time I sort out the smaller ones and put them into storage. She seems to be growing up so fast. It's exciting but scary all at the same time. My little girl is growing up. Soon she'll start getting mobile and I have a feeling it's all going to go much faster after that.

Is it weird that I'm worrying so much about missing her baby-self in the future when she's still a baby right now? Perhaps I'm just thinking too much or too far ahead.

The photo above was taken on the last night Mable was in town. The day before she flew off back to Ozzie. We had gelato at Taipan and I had burnt porridge. It was happy and sad all at the same time. Hopefully more meetups to come, Mabs?

Aznin said this was his favorite photo of the night. I have to concur. A photo of my two favorite girls sharing a moment.

Can't get any better than that.

Diaper rash wars

The pirate has been suffering from a severe case of diaper rash lately. It's probably all my fault so I take full responsibility for that fact.

Thankfully though I have Earth Mama Angel Baby's Angel Baby Bottom Balm. Try saying that quickly, I dare you. It's basically magic in a tub I tell you, and best of all it's organic so it's safe for baby.

We were lucky enough to be given one tub free from the kind people at Bebehaus. We bought our stroller and carseat from them and the owner of the store gave us one tub for us to try. He wasn't joking when he told us that it's really good.

I have to admit I was kind of a skeptic at first. I mean, how good could it actually be, right? I tried it, it really is good.

During my pregnancy, I suffered from a rash that was both painful and itchy at the same time. It annoyed the hell out of me yet I couldn't stop scratching it. I decided to try the balm out not expecting much. The balm quickly cleared me of the rash within a day or two of usage. I was impressed.

So it is said that about 33% of newborns will have acne. The pirate happens to fall into that 33% so her face started developing tiny red spots when she was about 2 weeks old. Initially, I thought it was heat rash so I applied the balm. The tiny spots cleared up the next day but they kept reappearing. So I kept applying. We kept going in circles. I finally googled the problem and it turns out it's acne and it will clear up on its own after a couple of months. So I couldn't do much about the acne but the balm did work on it nontheless.

Then the pirate got a nasty diaper rash due to her lazy-assed mother. It didn't start out bad but got worse very quickly and her bottom became red and swollen. The rash then started to bleed a bit due to constant rubbing against the diaper. So I started smothering her cute little bottom with the balm after every diaper change and changed her every 2 hours as reccomended by Dr. Sears. The bleeding stopped the next day and the swelling went down significantly. By day 2 of operation diaper rash wipeout, most of the red on the skin had gone and the rash was starting to heal.

I was so happy with the outcome that I immediately went to bebehaus's website to find out how much a tub cost because obviously I was going to get a new one once this one runs out. It costs RM40.00 for a tub of 30ml and RM49.90 for a tub of 60ml. No prizes for guessing which one I'll be getting.

The balm also works on scratches and mosquito bites. The pirate managed to scratch her face several times with her tiny nails but the balm made it go away the next day. It takes a little longer to work on mosquito bites though but it does help with the swelling. But that is only because her skin isn't used to mosquito bites yet.

Still not convinced this product is magic? It also clears up rashes you get from sanitary pads. But that story is for another day.

Lilypadz update

My lilypadz problem has been solved. Kind of. Thanks to the kind people at lilypadz. Their customer service is top notch, that's for sure.

Tina, the lady that was corresponding with me was kind enough to help me identify the problem with the product and was provided useful advice on how to fully utilize it. Since the padz weren't sticking to me properly, she even offered to exchange mine for a pair of new padz.

All I have to do is send them out and I'm all set.

It turns out, the reason the padz aren't working that well with me is because of my heavy let-down. A let-down is a muscle reflex of the breasts to release milk. Mine just happens to be exceptionally strong, thus releasing more milk. It is said that it will ease up as time goes by. Right now though, the reflexes aren't very fine tuned and is very trigger happy. The only advice out there on coping with this is crossing your arms across your chest to stop/slow down the flow.

So despite the lilypadz being very nice to wear (it is very liberating, not having to stuff my bra with cotton pads) it just doesn't cut it for me, yet. Perhaps a couple more weeks down the road I'll be able to get it to work for me. I have read many a success stories about it though which was what prompted me to get it in the first place.

Hopefully I too will have a success story of my own.

Leaky tap

**Warning, I talk about breast and milk and leaking in this post

The bug turned one month last week. Time flies. She's got her hep-b second shot and took it like a champ. She cried a bit and that was that.

She's also thriving and has gained 1.2kg since birth. Must be round-the-clock drinking she's doing.

I don't mind feeding her but with that comes a whole set of issues. Messy one at that.

My breasts are now leaking regularly and it's making me smell sour most of the time. It's really annoying. I've been using washable pads for some time now and they're great and economical but it requires regular changing.

So to solve that problem I bugged the husband to buy me Lilypadz. The husband, being the kind sweet person that he is bought them for me and they arrived in the mail on Tuesday afternoon. Eagerly, I tried them out.

Then I had a let down, and I leaked. I figured I was doing it wrong and reapplied the thing. It still didn't work. It wasn't so bad though cause I was home and there was easy access to the bathroom. I gave up however after a couple of failed attempts and used my cotton pads. Not wanting to think about the RM80 contraption that doesn't work.

Later that night, we went out to buy some groceries and again I attempted to use the lilypadz. Bad Idea. After a couple of hours the leaking got so bad that the milk had leaked out of the pad and onto my blouse. Thankfully though, it happened as I was walking to the car to go home.

Upon getting home, I washed the lilypadz and set it to dry on a table. I tried to use it again that night cause I really want it to work. It didn't seem to stick to my skin very well and the edges would slowly start to peel off. I did read some people saying that theirs didn't stick well too. This caused me more distress.

So, I've packed the lilypadz and set it aside. I emailed the company to enquire about the product and why it isn't working and hopefully they can shed some light. I really don't want to waste RM80 just like that. Could've used that money to buy a shitload of cotton pads.

Running on reserves

The bug is going through a growth spurt. I think. That's the conclusion I've come to after her sudden feeding frenzy.

She's been feeding every hour or two for the past 4 days. This means, less sleep for me.

Today is especially bad. She keeps waking up every hour. So, I have to wake up every hour too. Just as I am about to drift into deep sleep, I hear the distant cries of a baby wanting to be fed and I am pulled back into reality.

This in return makes me very drowsy. I kept falling back onto my pillow only to get back up when she starts crying again. Thankfully, she doesn't cry that much. Even when she wants to be fed she's just let out a slight noise.

Unless she's really pissed. The she wails and even stuffing the nipple into her mouth doesn't work (immediately). Fortunately, this has only happened once.

Either I've been very quick to respond to her requests or she's a very patient baby.

Patience is another thing she definitely did not inherit from any of her parents.

So here we are at 12 p.m. Not asleep. I can't remember what time I woke up. All I know is that I'm really sleepy and I will probably fall asleep if my head touches the pillow.

My shoulder is covered in puke and I look like crap. I really hope she feels full soon so we both can clean up and sleep.

Hands

~ I promise to always be there when you reach out

Love

Time flies

And with that, the weekend is gone. The husband is in the train station waiting for his train back to the concrete jungle to arrive.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry. That I'd be strong, for him.

I broke that promise. I cried.

I miss him already.

Have a safe trip darling.

Fear

After my recent C-section, I've developed new fears.

Fear of coughing, fear of sneezing, fear of laughing and fear of tripping over stuff on the floor and ripping open the wound.

I have successfully avoided doing all of the above. Well, I did choke on rice a couple of days ago and had spontaneously coughed. I can't remember if it hurt.

I have also not sneezed in the last 16 days. It hasn't been easy. The urge has been there but I try to intercept them before it happens.

I feel as if I should just go ahead and sneeze and see if it actually does hurts. But I'm too chicken to do so. So I'll just avoid sneezing.

I know laughing too much hurt during the first few days. I haven't laughed hard or loud since. Which is kind of hard since I'm surrounded by jokers.

I sense that the princess will be quite the joker as well.

I have also developed other fears. Totally not related to the surgery. Fear of getting caught for washing my hair. Fear of my parents finding out I slept with the fan at speed 3.

Okay, maybe it's not really fear. Just want to avoid getting an earful.

Confinement sucks.

2 more days till I see the husband.

Can't wait!!

Negative

I've been clouded with some negative vibes lately. I have no idea where or why I got this mean streak but it's making me behave rather nastily.

I'd like to blame it on the post partum stress. I have been getting less sleep and perhaps it's finally getting to me.

I've been trying to curb my nastiness though by not not speaking. heh. Its working so far. I did snap slightly at my sister yesterday.

I got my stitches removed yesterday. All she did was snip one end of the nylon and pull it out from the other. As simple as that. I could feel the nylon sliding in the direction it was being pulled under my skin.

It didn't hurt that much actually. It was mildly unpleasant. It did smart a bit when the doctor sprayed some antibiotic on the wound but that was as bad as it got.

I'm feeling better now. In regards to the wound anyway. As I am typing this I am feeling light headed and I'm yawning a lot. I could just be tired. Perhaps I'll lie down after this.

The husband will be visiting this weekend. Yay! Finally get to see him again. Have missed him dearly and many a nights I've spent crying. Yesterday, I was told by my mother out of the blue that I shouldn't cry cause I'm in confinement.

I wanted to ask her why but then that would confirm my crying.

Oh well. Too late for that.

I really should lie down now. Before the baby is sent back up to me.

Groundhog Day

That's what it feels like to me.

Everyday I am woken up by my crying baby beside me. I feed her, bathe her and put her back to sleep.

I am called down for breakfast. I have breakfast and go back up to shower.

If it's been 3 hours since I put the baby to sleep, she would be up by then. So I feed her, change her and put her back to sleep.

Repeat.

Throw in lunch and dinner at the appropriate times and you've got my day.

That's what I do everyday. I'm bored out of my mind.

Oh! Except today I went out to see a doctor to have my stitches removed. That didn't happen though cause my wound is still raw in some places and the doctor didn't wanna remove for fear of infection.

So I'm be going back to see her on Saturday. I'm told that the removing of stitches will cause my wound to hurt. Ouch! I hope it's not that bad.

Some proud parenting reporting: The princess seems to be able to sleep without being swaddled. Which is rather cool. I thought she had to be swaddled till she was about a month.

So tonight, I shall not swaddle her. She seems to be sleeping fine. Plus, I think she even might be a little happier cause she gets to stretch her arms and legs occasionally.

Her umbilical cord will probably fall off in a day or two. Most of it has detached. There only a small bit still stuck to her. I'm not going to pull it out though. Let it drop on its own.

Her hair is starting to grow back. Although I might consider putting olive oil on her head regularly to promote hair growth. Not sure if it really works or not, but it's worth a try.

The doctor said she has mild jaundice but nothing to worry about since she's already 9 days old.

Nothing else to report. I do have a photo of the princess in a dress I wanna upload. Soon, if blogger cooperates.

Oh, and I miss my husband.

One Week

7 days ago, I was cut open and the little human I carried for 9 months was taken out of me.

It was a surreal experience. Can't believe it's all over and here I am recovering.

I'm really thankful I have such a brilliant doctor. I'm so glad I chose to go to her when I found out I was pregnant.

She is a bit pricey but hey, quality comes with a price.

We really should send her a note of thanks. I really am thankful to her.

It's been only one week but I am feeling quite all right. I believe it's due to the great job she did stitching me up. I've read stories where it takes people at least 2 weeks or more for them to even consider walking so much.

I was climbing stairs 3 days after surgery and I travelled 500+ km back to Johor on Saturday.

It really doesn't hurt all that much. I hope I am recovering well. Will have to visit a gynea soon to remove my stitches.

Unfortunately, I won't be going to Dr. Delaila cause I'm back here.

In the short time of one week, I've been puked on several times, changed at least 30 diapers, had 'accidents' on the changing mat while in the process of changing diapers and so much more. Not to mention I'm sore in certain places.

I'm still in the process of getting a hang of this motherhood thing. I barely get to sleep a full night anymore. I'm usually up at 3 a.m tending to either a hungry baby, or a soiled one. On most nights, it's both.

I'm not complaining though. She's the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. Other than my lovely husband of course.

Fortunately for me, she's not a fussy one. She'll only cry when she's hungry or uncomfortable, but once you tend to her needs, she'll immediately be quite.

Yes I have a five inch cut across my belly which will take several weeks to heal and my arms are sore from carrying the baby all the time and my breast are sore from feeding her and I no longer get enough sleep and I have to be here far away from my husband, but it's all worth it.

I wouldn't do it any differently.

I guess this is what they mean when they talk about the joy of motherhood.

Confined

As much as I would love to post images of the pirate princess poopy pants, I can't.

The notebook doesn't seem to want to cooperate much. I tried blogging via the browser but the browser won't load the page.

So here I am blogging via the widget.

I can't post photos via the widget. So, the photos will just have to wait.

I am in Johor right now. Carrying out my sentence.

I can't say much cause it hasn't even been day 1. I am miserable though cause the husband is far far away. He left this afternoon at 12 with the parent-in-laws.

I cried shamelessly (in our room). I am slightly better though. Although the true test would be tonight when I go to sleep.

That's when I normally breakdown.

My mother asked if I had wanted to spend my confinement in Shalam so I wouldn't be away from the husband cause she doesn't want me to go in post-partum depression. I said I'd be fine.

That was when I was in the hospital under all those drugs. Obviously I thought too highly of myself. Heh.

Lets not lose hope though. I'm sure I'll be able to soldier through this.

Even if it kills me.

Announcement

I hereby declare that The Parasite shall now be known as Pirate Princess Poopy Pants.

1. Because she likes to open only one eye at a time.

2. Because she poops non stop.