Growing up

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm at the computer cleaning up iPhoto when I hear the boy stir and starts to cry. I head over to the bed to feed him. I then start to cry.

...

For the past couple of nights, my heart has been weighed down by thoughts of the kids growing up, and me missing how they are now. My heart starts to ache when I realize that these moments right now are fleeting and before I know it, they'll be adults, living their lives as they should.

It may seem strange to some people, how much it saddens me to see them grow up. A part of me wants to hold on to their childhood. I know growing up is part of life, but that part of me refuses to accept it. I wish there was a way to freeze time. Freeze moments in their life so that I could revisit them when they're all grown up. I find myself feeling melancholic and knowing that I'll miss the way the boy smells when he's sleeping next to me, the way the girl asks her thousands of questions, the way they play together.

I remember when Iliya was younger, how I wish she would grow up faster, so we could do things together. I couldn't wait for her to be bigger. These days, I find myself wishing the exact opposite. I am thankful however that the boy seems to be growing at a much slower pace. I seem to be experiencing more with him, than I ever remembered with Iliya. With Iliya, she seemed to grow up at blazing speed, and before I knew it, she's this smart, inquisitive, willful 4 year old.

I have no sane explanation for this odd behavior of mine. I hate thinking about the future, and the subject of death almost always brings tears to my eyes. I dread the day when my loved ones pass on. Even as I am typing this I have tears streaming down my face. Why am I such a mess?

I wonder if anyone out there feels the way I do. Or am I the odd one out? Either way, all I can do is pray to god to grant me the strength to accept such inevitability and not be so damn emotional about it. I pray that I can embrace their growing up instead of dreading it. I pray that I live everyday to its fullest and not miss out on their lives so that I won't regret it in the future.